I had my first ever nervous breakdown last week, a morbid life milestone checked off of a bucket list I never wanted. I’ve been stressed, beyond stressed. Job hunting these days is fill of pit falls and landmines where it seems 1 out of every 10 or 15 recruiters is legitimate. I’ve been out of work since last October. I had a very short stint as a contractor earlier this year from mid-January to mid-April but unfortunately the phase of the project I was brought in on ended and the client wanted to re-allocate their budgeted hours to other resources they felt they needed. So my contract ended and here i am stressing out about my family’s income.
A couple of things I learned while under this duress is that the anxiety and stress is paralyzing. Just trying to remedy one bad situation is exhausting enough but pile on family responsibilities and unforeseen issues made a bad situation worse. I thought 2024 was bad with the wife getting and being treated for breast cancer and the loss of my job, but man 2025 is giving last year a run for its money let me tell you. For anyone reading this that has lived a couple of decades you know that life happens in phases: school, weddings, babies/pets, and then sickness and death. The people older than you and even those around you start dying. My aunt-in-law suffers from dementia that came on rather suddenly. My uncle-in-law soon after she came down with it and he might have been the closest person I had to a father figure. he took care of my wife and her family when her dad passed away at a young age. it happened so suddenly. Life sucks.
I’ve had a couple of interviews, but I don’t do well in them. I get nervous and freeze up and my brain stops working so when a technical question comes my way I stumble through my words. I got rejected for a job I kinda didn’t want. It was east coast hours (I’m on the west) and the pay cut I would have taken would have been drastic, but I still felt the sting of it. I shouldn’t have been too bothered to be passed up for consideration but it would have been nice to turn it down on my own terms instead of being rejected for a perceived lack of skill. I don’t blame them though. I have a couple more interviews so I’m not completely without hope. But man the anxiety…
And then dealing with trying to get my own healthcare hasn’t been easy. All of that culminated late last week and I had my breakdown. I’m exhausted but still trying to stay positive and hope that i can find gainful employment soon. I posted once or twice earlier this year; or was it late last year? I can’t remember but I had every intention of posting regularly. I had to get this off my chest and I apologize if this is not the kind of thing you expect to see on here. Or maybe it is I don’t know anymore. I try not to follow any preset notion of what should or shouldn’t be on this page anymore, just what feels right. But I had to get this off my chest and writing it down seemed to be the best idea. I’m not into journaling so this is the next best thing. Now that the panic attack has passed, I feel like I can try this blogging thing again.
The image used in this post seemed like a natural fit. It was lifted from this NPR article about its origins and the artist, KC Green. I was originally going to use this AI generated image below, because it too felt apt.
To quote Lester Holt, Take care of yourselves and each other. Mental health is so important. I am actually looking forward to getting back into the swing of things now that I have some time.
To the person who reached out to me the last time I wrote a post like this, I may not have responded but your note meant a lot.
