I'm so sorry that you're probably going to be ruined.

Look, writing on this site for over two years has only made me more cynical. So seeing a Resident Evil movie announced that claims to “pay respect” to the characters and the games, I immediately knew this movie will not “pay respect” to the characters and the games.

A quote from the director, Johannes Roberts: “With this movie, I really wanted to go back to the original first two games and re-create the terrifying visceral experience I had when I first played them whilst at the same time telling a grounded human story about a small dying American town that feels both relatable and relevant to today’s audiences.”

Yeah? That first part? Cool. Second part? Has me worried. The first three Resident Evils are distinctly 90s, so I’m not sure how relevant that’ll be to today’s audiences.

Besides, the directors has several horror movies under their belt that my friend would like and I would say “I hate cheap jump scares, please stop asking me to watch these with you.” And the producer, Constantin Film, is the same company behind the old Resident Evil movies. And a lot of other crap you never watched.

Please don’t turn Resident Evil into a cheap horror movie. It’s already been done. Six times.

Also, no idea what happened to the Netflix Resident Evil series.

Just play the games.

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