Me pretty much the entire length of the movie.

I hated Star Wars: The Rise of the Skywalker. How much did I hate it? Let me count the ways with a Top 10 list.

Quick warning before you read this list: there is are some curse words at the bottom of this list. It’s the first time I’ve ever sworn in a post. Yes, that’s how much I hate this movie.

Image lifted from Den of Geek

10. The dagger literally pointing the way

So this dagger that has a rune inscribed on it also happens to point to the exact location on the Death Star wreckage where the Sith wayfinder is but in order to pinpoint the exact location the Death Star has to be wrecked on a planet in a certain way and the holder of the dagger has to stand in a very specific spot. Come on.

9. Characters who die but don’t really die

I kinda thought TFA raised the stakes by offing Han. Luke was next to go in TLJ. And while I think Leia should have died in space in that movie, that’s a whole other topic and this article isn’t about that. Chewie dying at the hands of Rey, literally, would have been a tragic way to go out but JUST KIDDING! He’s alive. C-3PO having his memory wiped to retrieve a vital piece of information was a sad moment but JUST KIDDING! Because apparently R2-D2 serves as a Time Machine backup and he’s not really gone.  I think the film would have had a much more meaningful and emotional impact if they died and stayed dead. Come on.

8. Rey’s parents were actually somebody

The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi tried to establish that Rey came from nothing. And that was one of the messages that TLJ tried to establish in that the power of The Force could reside in anyone. But JUST KIDDING! Rey’s grandfather was actually Emperor Patchouli, meaning her parents were actually somebody and not just nobody. Come on.

Emperor Porcupine’s family tree. Image lifted from 9gag

7. Pancreas had a family

Emperor Pumpkinpie doesn’t strike me as a person would would fall in love, court a woman, and have children. Nah, he’s more of a take-what-he-wants kind of person, so the idea that he had a family just doesn’t gel with me. He probably had illegitimate children with unwilling partners throughout his life. It kinda makes sense that Rey’s parents dropped her off on Jakku to protect her from dear old granddad, but still. How is this guy having children other than through violent crimes against women? Come on.

6. Palmpilot coming back

This makes no sense whatsofreakingever. I thought Darth Maul coming back after being CUT IN HALF was ludicrous, but Emeperor Pastrami coming back after he exploded on the Death Star, fell down a chasm, AND after the Death Star he was in exploded and fell to the forest moon of Endor is even worse. Come on.

5. Leia being a Jedi master this entire time

This just kind of happened with absolutely no indication of such a status from the previous two movies. Not even a hint. I shouldn’t be surprised though given how much Rise just destroyed the already established mythos from all 8 previous movies. Having Force Ghost Luke along with Force Ghost Yoda be Rey’s trainers would have been way more believable. I am probably in the minority in this, but having this little detail pop up seemed more fan service than actual plot device. It really added nothing to the narrative and raised more questions than it did anything else. Come on.

4. The inconsistent death of Jedi

Why did Leia disappear when she died? Look, some Jedi evaporate upon death, some don’t. A theory we, the staff, have worked out is that the Jedi that disappear upon death, do so because they are willing to give themselves to the Force: Luke when he did the Force projection; Yoda because he was just tired of Luke; Obi-Wan when he saw Luke and The Gang make their way to the Falcon and it was the only way to escape Vader and stll be a presence in Luke’s life. Vader became a Force ghost after the fact. We don’t really know if there was a body in that suit of armor that Luke was dragging around, and maybe there was, but pretty sure he died of mortal wounds from Emperor Pinocchio’s zappy fingers. Qui-Gon, all of the Jedi that fell victim to Order 66, and even Leia in Rise, all fell unexpectedly. So why did Leia’s body disappear when Ben kicked the bucket? Come on now. Makes no sense.

3. The thing that Finn wanted to tell Rey when they were sinking in the quicksand

JJ Abrams said that the thing that Finn wanted to tell Rey was that he was force sensitive. Really? Come on. It would have made more sense AND be more believable if he wanted to tell her he was in love with her. We get that he was force sensitive. It’s practically shoved down our throats during the entire movie.

Image lifted from Forbes

2. The complete sidelining of Rose Tico

Kelly Marie Tran suffered from online bullying after TLJ to the point where she deleted her Instagram account. It was terrible, sad, and I felt bad for her. She had a pretty significant role in TLJ, but she was COMPLETELY sidelined in TROS. Rose Tico had 1 minute and 16 seconds of screen time in any capacity during the 2 hour 22 minute pile of hot garbage known as Rise. This is not how you sustain character development and not how you stand behind an actress with semi-major character. Come on.

I can totes see why Rey hooked up with Kylo now. /sarcasm

1. The kiss

Oh, COME ON. This was hands down the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen in a Star Wars movie. Worse than when Leia Mary Poppins-ed her way back to the ship through space. Worse than a midichlorian scan. Worse than Jar Jar Binks. I’d take any of those over this contrived scene. There was no chemistry, no indication of feelings other than adversity between the two up until their final confrontation of Emperor Pontificator. A hug would have felt more natural and have way more of an emotional impact if during the hug Ben just evaporated and she was left holding a his clothes with tears running down her cheeks while screaming, “Ben! NOOOOOOOO!” But the kiss? Fuck that noise.

***

I mean, really, if I had to distill this list down to just a single reason, the kiss is the absolute dealbreaker for me. I know people who liked and enjoyed the movie. And I’m happy for them that they enjoyed it. I just wish I could have been one of those people.

Bonus Video

Just something I enjoyed. It 100% echoes all the things wrong with Rise:

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