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Challenge #4: Tell Me A Joke

A Member of LEGO Company's staff drops in here from time to time to answer questions from LEGO fans like you.

Re: Challenge #4: Tell Me A Joke

Postby BigBenKenobi » Fri May 08, 2009 4:43 pm

One of my favorites here:

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. All of a sudden, the older and apparently intoxicated gentleman starts to insult the other. He screams, “I slept with your mother, and it was good!” The bar suddenly gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other gentleman will do, anticipating a fight. Although trying to ignore the drunken individual, the first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

Unable to control himself anymore, the other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

:lol:
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Re: Challenge #4: Tell Me A Joke

Postby baby_yoda » Fri May 08, 2009 5:22 pm

KK I hope nobody posted this one yet... :P


A Smart Blonde


A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay, " says the lawyer, "your turn".

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you, " and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

XD
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Re: Challenge #4: Tell Me A Joke

Postby The Brain » Fri May 08, 2009 5:49 pm

Ok, here's one that I think is extra funny because it's 100% true. This requires a knowledge of prison stereotypes. ;)

So, I'm in my honors biology class a couple of months ago, and I'm listening to these two girls giggling and talking really loud. It's the birthday of one of the girls, so she has a bunch of presents from all of her friends. I'm sitting there listening, and the birthday girl's friend said, "Can we look at some of your presents?"

Seeing no harm as class hadn't started yet, they take out a couple of presents and start going on and on and on about how great they are, especially this extremely expensive and fancy soap. They put their presents away as class starts, but they continue to talk about the soap.

After a couple of minutes, my youngish-male biology teacher gets fed up with their chatting and walks over as they continue to talk. He listens for a couple of seconds, then yells at them, "Can we please drop the soap conversation? I want this over with ASAP!

The girls go quiet, then the whole class erupted with laughter (including myself). To this day, he doesn't get what was so funny. :D
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Re: Challenge #4: Tell Me A Joke

Postby Qzak » Fri May 08, 2009 6:33 pm

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST
TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING
TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'

'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'

HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'

'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!'
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Re: Challenge #4: Tell Me A Joke

Postby Legomancer » Fri May 08, 2009 7:38 pm

Here's a good one in my limited arsenal:


How many Irish men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

15: One to hold the lightbulb in place, and 14 to drink whiskey until the room spins.
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Re: Challenge #4: Tell Me A Joke

Postby Masta' Bo » Fri May 08, 2009 9:12 pm

A guy sez: "Knock Knock", well, he physically strikes a door, and as a result via Newton's Third Law of Motion (every action has a reaction), a sound is made.

Another guy replies, "Well, who's there?"

The first guy says, "It's your buddy, John."

The guy in the house (well, it was more similar to an apartment complex than a house) replies, "Oh, come on in."

So he opens the door, and they spend an enjoyable evening together, for they were, in fact, buddies.

Get it?
Because I'm a bothan...or a brick. Bo out.
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Re: Challenge #4: Tell Me A Joke

Postby Tyler » Fri May 08, 2009 9:53 pm

How much does a surgeon charge for a circumcision?

Nothing, he just keeps the tips.
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Re: Challenge #4: Tell Me A Joke

Postby a red shirt » Fri May 08, 2009 10:15 pm

Ace, you're a Mac user, correct? Perhaps this suits your style...

"People say that if you play Microsoft CD's backwards, you hear satanic things, but that's nothing: if you play them forwards, they install Windows."

:)

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Re: Challenge #4: Tell Me A Joke

Postby Skafte » Sat May 09, 2009 2:50 am

Two racing horses walk into a bar, order a beer each and starts talking about today's race:

"The strangest thing happened to me at the start" says the first horse. "Just as the doors of the box opened, I felt a sting here, on my right side, just under the saddle. Can't figure what it was."

"Yeah, weird", says the other horse. "Couldn't be a wasp or something?"

"No, I would've heard it. Besides, it was under my saddle, and I ought to have felt it"

At this point a greyhound racing dog, also at the counter leans over:

"I'm sorry to butt in, guys, but the exact same thing happened to me the other day. I was all bucked up in the box, ready to go after that darn rabbit - I just knew I was gonna catch it this time - the door opened, and as I started to run, it was like a sharp pain here, just like you said on the right side. I don't wear a saddle you know, but this little jacket or what you call it - I had the cool black and white one - and just under the edge of it, it was just the same, almost like a wasp sting or someting like that. Strange thing, both of us having the same experience, huh?"

"What do yo make of that" says the first horse to the other. "A talking dog."
Brick me!
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Re: Challenge #4: Tell Me A Joke

Postby Unsier » Sat May 09, 2009 12:16 pm

∫ 2pac = pac² + C
Image
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Re: Challenge #4: Tell Me A Joke

Postby hatcher » Sat May 09, 2009 3:43 pm

A Russian Soldier, a male Polish college student, an old lady from Estonia, and 21 year old Swedish Woman (who is incredibly hot) are sitting in a train car together. At one point, the train goes through a tunnel, plunging the train car into complete blackness. During the blackness, the sound of a kiss is heard, followed by the sound of a slap. As the train emerges from the tunnel, the old Estonian woman thinks "One of those young men got fresh with that young lady and she slapped him. Good for her!" The Russian soldier thinks "That Pole kissed the hot blonde, and she didn't like it, but hit me by mistake!" The Swedish Woman thinks "One of those men must have tried to kiss me, but accidently kissed the old lady by mistake, and she slugged him." And the college student thinks "I love it! I kiss myself on the hand, and slug the Russian and got away with it!"
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Re: Challenge #4: Tell Me A Joke

Postby GoN2Broadway » Sat May 09, 2009 3:51 pm

deleted for content
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Re: Challenge #4: Tell Me A Joke

Postby MrCRskater » Sat May 09, 2009 4:49 pm

deleted for content
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Re: Challenge #4: Tell Me A Joke

Postby onions » Sun May 10, 2009 12:24 am

Before I announce my decision, I feel like I need to explain a few things. At the outset, I had required that the jokes be clean. Now I believe my threshold for when a joke goes from clean to dirty is a lot higher than most people, hence why some of the more suggestive jokes allowed. I did delete the last two entries for I felt they did cross that line a bit. And I also deleted one joke for going way too far on the racial stereotype scale. And that member has also been banned.

And so, without further ado, the winner is Qzak:

Qzak wrote:TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST
TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING
TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'

'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'

HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'

'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!'


Qzak, pm me your choice of figure and your mailing address.

Thank you all for participating. And with that, I leave you with a pirate joke:

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship.

One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party to try and board their ship. The crew became worried, but the Captain was calm.

He bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The First Mate quickly got the Captain's red shirt, which the captain put on. Then he led his crew into battle against the mean pirates. Although there were some casualties among the crew, the pirates were defeated.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending two boarding parties towards their ship. The crew was nervous, but the Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on!

The Captain and his crew fought off the boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when an ensign looked at the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, explained, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, so you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence. They were amazed at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.

The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my brown pants!!!'
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Re: Challenge #4: Tell Me A Joke

Postby GoN2Broadway » Sun May 10, 2009 8:18 am

I am sorry if this causes any trouble, and this is in no way against Qzak and his funny joke, but I have to ask:

Why was my joke, which did not include overt sexual references and meanings get deleted, whereas the joke that won includes: 2 old men in a brothel having s&x (directly mentioned, only stated as "loving") with blowup dolls and then talking about the act after the fact?

I am confused due to the lack of standardization of a "clean" joke. If other jokes were held to a higher level, shouldn't this one as well? As stated earlier, I think Qzaks joke is really funny, but I fail to see how their joke was less "racy" than mine?
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Re: Challenge #4: Tell Me A Joke

Postby Blondie-Wan » Sun May 10, 2009 8:41 am

What - it's over already? :S

onions wrote:Challenge ends 5/10 at 10pm PDT.


"5/10 at 10pm PDT"... that's May 10th (today, as of this writing), at 10 in the evening, Pacific Daylight Time (so, the time in California, for example), right? Isn't that still more than 13 hours away, as of this writing (about 11:40 am, in the eastern part of Florida)?

Just wondering (I don't actually have any particularly funny jokes at my disposal, alas)...
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Re: Challenge #4: Tell Me A Joke

Postby onions » Sun May 10, 2009 11:17 am

Blondie-Wan wrote:What - it's over already? :S

onions wrote:Challenge ends 5/10 at 10pm PDT.


"5/10 at 10pm PDT"... that's May 10th (today, as of this writing), at 10 in the evening, Pacific Daylight Time (so, the time in California, for example), right? Isn't that still more than 13 hours away, as of this writing (about 11:40 am, in the eastern part of Florida)?

Just wondering (I don't actually have any particularly funny jokes at my disposal, alas)...


D'oh! You are correct. I was going by the end date i had set on my spreadsheet and I had it wrong. To be fair, if another joke comes along that knocks my socks off gets entered before 10pm tonight, I shall declare a dual winner.
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Re: Challenge #4: Tell Me A Joke

Postby onions » Sun May 10, 2009 11:40 am

GoN2Broadway wrote:I am sorry if this causes any trouble, and this is in no way against Qzak and his funny joke, but I have to ask:

Why was my joke, which did not include overt sexual references and meanings get deleted, whereas the joke that won includes: 2 old men in a brothel having s&x (directly mentioned, only stated as "loving") with blowup dolls and then talking about the act after the fact?

I am confused due to the lack of standardization of a "clean" joke. If other jokes were held to a higher level, shouldn't this one as well? As stated earlier, I think Qzaks joke is really funny, but I fail to see how their joke was less "racy" than mine?


this is where the level of how skewed my perception is will be exposed. honestly, i thought your joke was a little more graphic than qzaks. and my opinion is honestly just that, my opinion. I'm not saying i'm 100% right or wrong; others may agree or disagree proportional to their own threshold of what constitutes a dirty joke.

that's the best explanation i can offer you.
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Re: Challenge #4: Tell Me A Joke

Postby The Brain » Sun May 10, 2009 1:31 pm

onions wrote:Before I announce my decision, I feel like I need to explain a few things. At the outset, I had required that the jokes be clean. Now I believe my threshold for when a joke goes from clean to dirty is a lot higher than most people, hence why some of the more suggestive jokes allowed.


That's what did me in--I have much funnier jokes, but I wasn't sure how suggestive they could get. Not complaining, because I think Qzak's was funnier than mine, but some clarification would have been nice. :/
I am the brain, that which keeps you sane
I think your thoughts, I feel your pain
I am able to control both body and soul
I am never asleep, and I make you whole.
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Re: Challenge #4: Tell Me A Joke

Postby ccjwprongs » Sun May 10, 2009 3:13 pm

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney. The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye." Now the auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three thousand dollars, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and urinate all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."
Neeeooowwwwww
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