Challenge #4: Tell Me A Joke

[onions]

Submit a joke. Funniest joke wins. Keep it clean please. You have 3 days to complete this challenge. Challenge ends 5/10 at 10pm PDT.

For complete rules and regulations, visit the announcement thread

[Robzula]

Midichlorians.

[Iare Tosevite]

Someone accused wife of a rich man of goldbricking, and she said..

"Of course I was goldbricking! I was building with yellow Lego bricks!"

[Andi]

Call at the PC-Hotline:
"Hello, how can I help?"
"Hi. I just switched on my computer, but there is no picture on the screen."
"Is there a little LED lighting at the screen?"
"No."
"Ok, please check if there is a wire from screen to PC."
"One moment... Yes, there is a wire."
"Well, great! Now please check if there is a wire from the screen to a power plug."
"Wait a second... Sorry, I can't see it, it's so dark here."
"Then, why do you not switch on the lights?"
"Oh, no that does not work. We had a power failure."

[bigospedros]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years".

[Obi-Wan Skywalker]

A man is driving a 1 person double decker bus. He is driving and driving until he tries to go under a bridge. The bridge is too small and he crashes. A policeman takes him out of the bus and asks him what he was thinking trying to go under the bridge. The man replies, "I was collecting tips at the time."

[CoR3Bu]

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!(get it the bottom
my butt )

-The Colonel






___________________________________
I HAVE SWINE FLU! BEWARE!

[liquidcross]

What do you get when you add sugar to ground beef?

Sweet-ish meatballs.

[Daz Hoo]

Three blond girls are on a river bank, trying to figure out how to get accross. Suddenly, burried in the sand of the beach, they find a lantern, and when they rub it to clean it up, a genie comes out.

"To thank you for setting me free, I will grant you each one wish."

The first blond girl thinks really hard about it, they finally says :

"I wish I could get accross the river in a sexy and kinda heroic way."

Shazam! She turns into this athletic red head, jumps into the river and with all of her strenght, swims accross to the other side.

Inspired, the second blond girl says : "I wish I could get accross the river, but in a more intelligent way."

Abracadabra! She turns into a brunette, and right away starts gathering wood. With riped pieces of her clothes, she puts together a raft, and before you know it, she too is on the other side.

The last blond girl, having witness all of this, says : "I wish I could get accross the river, but in the most intelligent way possible."

Tadam! She turns into a man, walks to the bridge and crosses the river...

[Mister Ed]

Midichlorians.

They said it should be FUNNY.

[Joedward]

Three business men are playing a round of golf, one is from America, another from Germany and the last from Japan.

After the first few holes there is a buzzing sound from the American, so he excuses himself, stands to one side, put's his hand up to his ear like a child mimicking the use of a telephone, and has starts talking business. His two partners are slightly curious, but after a few minutes The American says goodbye, comes back over and explains.
"Great American technology. The ear-piece is in my thumb, the microphone is in my pinky, and the aerial runs down my arm."
The two seem quite impressed, but it is soon forgotten after a few more holes. Closing in on the green though, there is curious whistling sound emmiting from the German. So he, like the American, excuses him self, puts his shoulder up to his ear and starts to speak. He finishes his conversation and explains to the other two, "Great German technology. The earpiece is in my ear, the microphone is in my tooth, and the aerial runs down my spine."
The other two are clearly very impressed by this, and are undisturbed until the 18th hole. On hearing a strange wirring and humming coming from himself, the Japanese businessman sprints away from his partners and disappears into the trees. The American and German are confussed, but follow on to see what's going on. After a minute they find the Japanese man. He is squatted behind a bush, trousers around his anckles, and he has a roll of toilet paper stuffed up his jacksie. They stare bewildered at him for a moment before he looks up.

"Great Japanese technology.... waiting for fax"

[meeotch]

Two friends are out hunting. On the way back to the car with their catch, one of the men trips and hits his head. He's bleeding pretty badly and unconscious. Luckily, the men aren't too far out in the boonies, so they have cell-phone reception. The man calls 9-1-1.

"9-1-1, what's the nature of your emergency?"

"I was out hunting with my friend and on our way back to the car, he fell and hit his head. He isn't moving, and I don't know what to do," the hunter cried.

"Is he breathing, sir?" asked the operator.

"I don't know."

"The first thing you need to do is make sure he's dead."

"All right, hold on a minute." There is a moment of silence, and then the operator hears two loud gunshots. BANG BANG!

"Okay, now what?" the hunter asks.

[dakdogba]

paddy englishman, paddy irishman and paddy scotsman are fightin in ww2.
they are being chased in france and decide to hide in a small town.
they enter a pub and the barlady tells them to hide in sacks out back.
they do so and shortly afterswards the nazis come across the 3 sacks.
they kick the first one, containing paddy englishman. he cries "meeow", and the nazis move on saying it was a cat.
they kick the second one, containing paddy scotsman. he cries "woof,woof", and the nazis move on saying it was a dog.
they kick the last one, containing paddy irishman. he cries "potato, potato" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ThinkingImpaired]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

[Jabba the Taff]

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel attached to his crotch.

The barman, being an observant sort of bloke, says “Do you know you’ve got a ship's wheel attached to your crotch?”

“Arrrr,” says the pirate. “It’s drivin’ me nuts.”

[UOldPirate]

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?"
The bartender says, "Stupid duck, this is a bar and we only sell beer, no grapes! Now get out!"
The duck turns around and leaves.

The duck comes back in the next day and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?"
The bartender says, "I told you yesterday, this is a bar and we only sell beer! If you ask me about grapes again, I'm going to nail you're beak to the bar!"
The duck turns and leaves.

The duck comes back in the next day and asks the bartender, "Do you have any nails?"
The bartender says "No."
The duck says "Good. Do you have any grapes?"

[Rook]

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are all in 6th grade. Which one has the biggest breasts.




The blonde, she's 18.





(Sorry to all the light colored hair people out there. I heard it today and got a good laugh hope you do too.)

[Tohst]

Just as his Sgt. Major walks by a member of the royal guard at Buckingham Palace in London visibly flinches.

The Sgt. Major is furious and runs up to the man and starts yelling, "Why! Why did you flinch? Hundreds of years of tradition and you flinch? Was it the tourists taking pictures? Tell me why?"

The guard looks like he is on the verge of crying but calmly starts his tale, "Well sir, I was standing here gaurding, as thats what I do, when a squirrel runs across the square, up my left trouser leg and settles right at my crotch."

The Sgt. Major relaxes a bit. After all, the rules say that if you are touched you can move. "Well, I understand, then..."

But the guard cuts him off. "Sir, thats not why I flinched. Not 5 minutes later a second squirrel looking just like the first ran across the square, up my right trouser leg and settled right at my crotch across from the first"

"My God Man! Of course you flinched!"

The guard cuts him off a second time. "Sir, I understand the tradition of the guards. I did not flinch."

"Well then tell me. After all that, what made you flinch?"

"It so happens that right as you came into view, squirrel one says to squirrel two, 'Let's eat one now and take one home for later.'"

--------------------------------------

My second favorite joke. Well, maybe third if you count 'my dog has no nose' as a joke. But my first favorite joke is a knock knock joke that doesn't translate well to text.

-Tohst

[Heady]

So a boy was born with a speech defect. He pronounced his F's like B's. One year, for Halloween,he goes trick-or-treating as a pirate. At one house, an old lady opened the door, and said, "Oh, how cute, a pirate! Where are your Buccaneers?" The kid gets an angry look, and says, "On my Bucking Head, where are your bucking eyes?"

[SkwerlJones]

A guy, lets just call him a random name, Onions, has been waiting for his wife to return from the bar. Finally, she arrives, with a big smile on her face. She immediately asks him to take her dress off. He complies. Then, she asks him to take her pants off. He does it. She then asks him to take off her panties and bra, and he happily fulfills her request. She reminds him to never wear her clothes again.